Mixed Feelings

For awhile, I had a streak of writing something at least every week. But the last couple of months my writing has been kind of nonexistent.

I’ve sat down to write a couple times, got 100 or so words into a blog, but never finished.

I think I’ve been having some mixed feelings about Jesus and my faith, and I don’t like that place.

For awhile, the stuff I wrote was more thought exploration. Here’s an idea, lets expand on it.

It’s feelings were more neutral, it came from a place of curiosity and wanting to teach.

Lately, I’ve felt like my writings and ideas were more demanding.

There’s reasons for those frustration. But that’s kind of where my head has been when I’ve sat down to write.

I’m Not Attracted to That Writing

I don’t like that. I don’t like seeing myself get selfish and complainy.

But that’s where I’m at. It’s hard for me to feel there’s value in that perspective.

So I stop writing. I don’t want that coming out of me, so I stop.

But it’s to know how to proceed forward.

This is my first attempt to talk about it in a healthy (??) perspective. And even now it seems to fall a little short.

I feel shame about my feelings.

I want them to go away. I get upset thinking about them. Get embarassed that I feel those things.

I think that sets me up for failure.

Instead of noticing and observing my feelings, maybe commenting on them, then watching them go by.

I fight so hard against them. Kind of like the Barbara Streishand effect, the more attention I give them the bigger problem they become.

Maybe I’m giving to much power to my feelings? Maybe desperately wanting them to be different is what makes them so painful.

Take away the oxygen and fire goes out. Remove the attention and maybe feelings disappear?

That’s not something I’ve thought about before.

I’ll close with “Feelings are Hard”.

Most people I know of struggle with them. I’m definitely no different.

Do I wish it were different, yes. But maybe that’s not something for me to control at the moment.